Signs a Relationship Is Building You Up or Bringing You Down

Nicolette Visser

Oct 22

3 min read

Relationships, whether parental, romantic or friendships, can have a major influence on our wellbeing, our successes and how we see ourselves. The people we surround ourselves with can shape our perspectives, influence our decisions and affect how we feel about ourselves. It is little surprise, then, that our parents often reminded us to be careful about who we choose as friends and who we choose to marry.

Research supports just how important our relationships are to our wellbeing. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed participants for more than 80 years, found that the quality of our relationships plays a significant role in our happiness and long-term health. In fact, researchers found that people who were more satisfied with their relationships at age 50 tended to be healthier at age 80. Our relationships are not simply part of our lives. They can help shape the quality of our lives.*

But sometimes, it isn't easy to know who the right people are to have in our lives. We can get caught up in a relationship because of the excitement, the history we share or simply the comfort of having someone around. Sometimes, we become so accustomed to certain behaviours that we don't even realise how much they are affecting us.

This is why it is important to take a step back every now and then and evaluate our relationships. Do the people around us encourage us to grow? Do we feel safe enough to be ourselves? Are we able to celebrate one another's successes, work through disagreements and have honest conversations?

Here are five signs to help you reflect on whether a relationship is building you up or bringing you down.

1. Their words are gentle and constructive, instead of harsh and critical.

The way someone speaks to you matters. There is a difference between someone who challenges you because they care about your growth and someone who regularly criticises you in ways that leave you feeling small. Constructive feedback can be uncomfortable, but it should still allow room for dignity and respect.

2. You feel valued, instead of like a burden.

In relationships that build us up, we feel that our presence matters. We can share our thoughts, ask for help and express our needs without constantly feeling that we are asking for too much. Of course, everyone has limits, and no one can be available to us all the time. But there is a difference between a person having boundaries and a relationship consistently making you feel as though your needs are an inconvenience.

3. You feel at ease being yourself, instead of constantly walking on eggshells.

Healthy relationships give us room to be ourselves. We don't have to agree on everything or pretend to be someone we are not just to keep the peace. We can express an opinion, admit a mistake or raise a concern without constantly fearing the other person's reaction. When you find yourself repeatedly monitoring your words, hiding parts of yourself or avoiding important conversations to prevent conflict, it may be worth asking what is creating that fear.

4. Your wins are celebrated, instead of dismissed or undervalued.

The people around us influence how we experience our successes. Those who build us up can celebrate our achievements without making everything a competition. They can be happy for us, even when things aren't going as well for them. In contrast, relationships can become draining when good news is repeatedly met with criticism, comparison, indifference or comments that diminish what we have accomplished. A healthy relationship makes room for both people to grow, succeed and shine.

5. Relationships are a two-way street.

As much as we need people who build us up, we also have a responsibility to build them up. Healthy relationships require mutual effort, consideration, encouragement and accountability. It cannot always be one person giving while the other receives. Take a moment to reflect on your own behaviour, too. Do you listen as much as you speak? Can you celebrate someone else's success without comparing it to your own? Do you offer the same patience, respect and encouragement that you hope to receive?

Though the list is not exhaustive, it gives a basic run down of what to look out for in your relationships.

Homework:

Take a moment to reflect: Are the relationships in your life helping you become more of who you want to be, and are you helping the people around you do the same?