Why do we stay in unhealthy relationships?

Have you ever found yourself staying in a relationship that you know deep down isn’t good for you but leaving feels even harder? Maybe you’ve told yourself, “It’s not that bad” or “Things will get better.” Maybe you’ve tried to walk away before, only to find yourself going back.

For many of us, this is a confusing and painful space to be in. From the outside looking in, it can seem obvious when a relationship is unhealthy but when you’re in it, the reasons for staying are often far more complex. So why do we stay, even when something doesn’t feel right?

 

(1) The Hope That Things Will Change

One of the biggest reasons we stay is hope. Our hope for the relationship lies in:

• The good memories

• The happy moments

• The calm moments

• Our perception of our partner’s potential (to grow or to change)

• Holding onto the old version of who our partner was

• The love we have for each other

• Our perceived ability to overcome all challenges

We end up feeling reassured that the relationship can work and we start believing that if we just try a little harder, communicate better, or be more patient, things will improve.

And maybe in some cases, that might be true. But the reality is that for many couples, over time and after many years of trying, this hope can keep us stagnant in an unhealthy pattern. Because we think more about what the relationship could be, rather than accepting what it currently is.

(2) Emotional Attachment and Familiarity

Our attachment style can also play a role in why we stay. The way we learn to connect with others, shaped by our early experiences, can influence how we respond in relationships as adults. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you may find yourself holding on tightly, seeking reassurance, and fearing abandonment, even when the relationship is unhealthy. On the other hand, an avoidant attachment style might keep you emotionally invested but disconnected, making it harder to fully leave or fully engage. These patterns can make unhealthy dynamics feel familiar, even when they’re uncomfortable, and can quietly pull us back into cycles that are difficult to break.

(3) Comfortability and Fear of Being Alone

We get used to the person, the routine, and the role they play in our lives. There’s comfort in familiarity, even if that familiarity includes conflict or disappointment. The idea of leaving doesn’t just mean losing the person, it means losing a version of our everyday life.

Sometimes, the fear of the unknown or even being alone feels more overwhelming than the discomfort of staying. We might worry about starting over, not finding someone else, or facing life without that companionship. This fear can subconsciously convince us that staying is the safer option, even when it comes at the cost of our wellbeing.

(4) Self-Worth and Internal Beliefs

Another factor is how we see ourselves. If we struggle with self-worth, we may believe that this is the best we deserve, or that expecting more is unrealistic. We might minimise our needs, justify unhealthy behaviour, or take on responsibility for fixing the relationship. Sometimes our partner feeds into those insecurities with hurtful statements that make us feel they are the only ones who will tolerate us. And sometimes it’s just the voices in our own heads telling us the same.

Do I Stay or Do I Go?

The big question that gets asked when it comes to unhealthy relationships is, do I stay or do I go? But neither is an easy choice.

The truth is, this decision isn’t one-size-fits-all. It depends on many factors, including the people involved, the history of the relationship, and the circumstances surrounding it. For some, there may be children to consider, shared responsibilities, or even legal and financial ties that make the decision more complex. For others, it may come down to whether both people are genuinely willing to acknowledge the issues and put in consistent effort to work through them.

It’s also important to recognise that “unhealthy” can mean different things. Some relationships struggle with poor communication, emotional distance, or recurring conflict. These patterns can be damaging, but in certain situations, they can be worked through if both individuals are committed to change, accountability, and growth. In these cases, the decision often comes down to what you are willing and able to work through, and whether the relationship is moving in a healthier direction over time.

Unhealthy vs Unsafe

However, there’s a difference between a relationship that is unhealthy and one that is unsafe. There are certain red flags that are a signal for danger. These are not issues that need to be worked on or tolerated but rather signs that need to be taken seriously:

• Consistent emotional, verbal, or physical abuse

• Consistent neglect

• Patterns of control, manipulation, or isolation from others

• Feeling afraid of your partner or walking on eggshells most of the time

• Repeated cycles of harm followed by apologies with no real change

• Any behaviour that threatens your safety, wellbeing, or sense of stability

When these are present, it’s no longer about whether the relationship can be improved but about protecting yourself.

Ultimately, deciding whether to stay or leave requires honest reflection about your own capacity, your boundaries, and your wellbeing. Ask yourself the question, Is this safe for me, and is this the life I want to continue living?

Play Out the Consequences

It’s only human to want a relationship to work, and it’s only natural to keep trying to make it work. The important thing about being in an unhealthy relationship is acknowledging the patterns of behaviour that are restrictive, inhibiting or a cause of frustration, and having an honest conversation with yourself (and your partner) about them.

Take some time to pause and reflect on what you think you need and whether the relationship, as it currently stands, will be able to fulfil that for you in the long run. If it is not sustainable, you may need to consider leaving the relationship or professional help to work through the challenges and setting goals for the relationship.

During your time of reflection, you can ask yourself the following questions:

1. Why do I stay? Is it something I need to work on?

2. What do I need for this relationship to be fulfilling and healthy?

3. If nothing changed in the next 5 to 10 years, could I continue in this relationship and be the best version of myself?

4. What options do I have to move forward?

Ultimately, there is a natural consequence to every decision we make within our relationships, and we have an opportunity to reflect and play out the consequences. Though there isn’t an easy option, it’s important to remember that support will always be there. Contact Reality Wellness Group for more support.