“Is it me, am I the drama?” - How Introspection Can Help You Avoid Conflict

If you are someone who happens to be in the know on social media trends, then the title of this article will seem quite familiar. But for those who would like some context, it is a sound used on TikTok (ascribed to one of the contestants of RuPaul’s Drag Race) to humourously describe when a person realises that they might have been the cause/escalation point of a problem all along. For example, when your spouse forgets to buy an item from the grocery store and you have a heated argument, only to find out it was never written on the list in the first place. Or when you realise midway through a debate that you gave the wrong information or misunderstood what was said, but it feels too late to back out.

All these are, usually, funny scenarios that we can look back on and laugh however, these tendencies can also land us in hot water unnecessarily.

How Do We Become the “drama”?

We can often land up in conflict situations unintentionally because we:

• Lack boundaries / give way to our boundaries

• Become easily emotionally charged by a situation

• Have unhealed pain and/or trauma that triggers a reaction

• Feel devalued, minimised or hurt by other’s actions

• Feel attacked by someone’s comments or actions

• Want justice or to set the record straight

• Feel worthless or self-conscious about the situation

As a result of any of the above, we jump into a situation, guns blazing and ready to defend. But what if this defensive behaviour, although seemingly well-intentioned, is actually feeding into the escalation of the situation rather than de-escalating it to something that can be resolved? What if, that behaviour is what is making you part of the “drama”?

When we put it that way it doesn’t seem impossible right? But that’s the thing about being a part of the drama – most of the time we never intended to be there in the first place.

Is De-escalation Backing Out?

I am sure at this point for some of you, you might be saying to yourself, “but if someone comes to me looking for a fight, I am not backing out.” And fair enough, no one wants to feel like a doormat or someone who can be taken advantage of. You don’t want to feel like another person ‘got away’ with unchecked behaviour, however, there is a difference between de-escalation and backing out.

• Backing out means physically or emotionally retreating from a situation – often to protect yourself (we would even advise this if harm is a possibility). Backing out however, can be a form of de-escalation – which is where the overlap can be seen. Though, if it is a continual pattern, this could worsen the situation long-term if a resolution is actually required to move forward.

• De-escalation focuses on calming a tense situation to make a future resolution possible. Often this requires active communication skills, managing emotions and empathising for all parties involved.

In order for a situation to remain constructive and to find a resolution, you will be required to know how to de-escalate.

Introspection is Key

If there is one thing that is going to keep you out of the drama, it is introspection, which is one’s inward examination of their own behaviours, thoughts, and intentions. Introspection becomes an important tool because it helps us to reflect on why we respond to situations the way that we do and helps us to understand the ways in which we can respond constructively. For example, we might find ourselves often in heated arguments with friends over a specific topic, and though our first thought might be “well, they’re wrong and there’s no-way I am backing down.” Someone, who uses introspection quite often would realise in the moment, “oh, this is that topic that always seems to escalate, why am I so passionate about it? Why do I struggle to walk away from the conversation or to come to an agreement? Is it worth the fight right now? Will us agreeing/disagreeing change the outcome? Is this topic as important to everyone else as it is to me? How can I best communicate my point without hurting others or being offended by their response?”

These are the many questions that one can ask themselves when reflecting. What can sometimes be a hard pill to swallow is realising that maybe you are part of the escalation, rather than the solution. However, this is not an opportunity to put yourself down, but rather an opportunity to work through the internal dialogue needed to move forward.

Avoiding Being the Drama

So, what can you do to avoid being the drama or a part of it?

1.      Regularly practice introspection.

Following on from the previous section, introspection is a skill that takes regular practice because it requires a well-developed sense of self (self-awareness), awareness of others, empathy, critical thinking/evaluation and problem-solving. All these soft skills are like a muscle that requires consistent work to activate it more easily and regularly.

Consider: Writing in a journal regularly using either the 5-whys technique or the objective perspective-shifting technique.

2.      Pick your battles carefully.

Honestly, not every battle is worth the energy and sometimes it is better to conserve your energy for other things. Not only will conserving energy reduce the number of conflicts you have but will also assist with managing your overall mood throughout the day.

Consider: Asking yourself the following:

• Is this the hill I am willing to die on (i.e. does it affect my values)?

• Is the issue a problem of fact or interpretation (i.e. is it something that can be resolved)?

• Will this matter in the long run/grander scheme of things (i.e. is it relevant to our relationship now and in the future)?

• What is the goal of this conversation and is the payoff worth it?

• Will this affect my relationship with the person and does that matter to me? How?

• Am I the right person to have this conversation?

• Will this conversation affect the rest of my day, in terms of productivity and focus?

• Is this a topic I am meant to take personally?

3.      Set boundaries. 

Try to set boundaries on how often you are exposed to things that trigger a specific feeling or response out of you. With that said, create a boundary by setting a standard for how you plan to respond to similar situations in future, for example choosing to walk away from the conversation or communicating your discomfort with the topic.

Consider: communicating your boundaries when signs of a topic appear that will trigger you, and inform the other party of the consequence of crossing the boundary, e.g. “I tend to take topics related to [x] quite personally because it makes me uncomfortable, I would rather not talk about it, and if you do continue the conversation I will not be participating in the conversation/I will walk away from the conversation.”