What to Say When a Friend Isn’t Okay

Have you ever noticed a friend withdraw or seem unlike themselves and you suddenly felt unsure of what to say? Maybe you sensed something was wrong but you thought if you say anything it will be the wrong thing to say in the moment.

Well, you’re not alone and getting stuck on what to say is more common than you think. Many of us want to be supportive but feel lost when it comes to comforting someone who’s struggling. Yet, showing up for a friend who isn’t okay doesn’t require perfect words, it simply requires being present, empathetic, and just showing you genuinely care.

Why We Find It Hard to Talk About Emotions

Let’s be honest, most of us weren’t taught how to talk about our own feelings, let alone somebody else’s. And in our current culture, we often value equanimity over vulnerability. As a result, when a friend actually opens up about their emotional pain, we can feel uncomfortable, caught off-guard and/or unsure of how to respond.

This may lead to sometimes avoiding friends going through a difficult time or freezing up when the conversation starts. We might even try to deflect from the conversation by changing topics or giving a universal one-liner, like "Oh yeah, that sucks. It will get better soon I'm sure." Resulting in a friend feeling alone or misunderstood, and you feeling awkward or feeling like a bad friend.

Learning how to approach these moments with understanding and sensitivity is important. But you don’t have to be an expert; you just need to be willing to listen and acknowledge their experience. And in order to be a good emotional support for a friend, it is important to first know the signs.

Recognising When Someone Isn’t Okay

Not all struggles are visible, but there are often subtle signs that something is off. For example, a friend might:

• Withdraw from his/her usual activities or social circles

• Seem unusually quiet, irritated, or detached

• Mention feeling overwhelmed or “not like themselves”

• Appear tired, distracted, or run-down

These signs are only a few of many different signs that your friend can display, it is important to be observant to and cognisant of any concerning changes to behaviour or conversations. When you notice these signs, try to trust your intuition and offer an ear or hand of support. It’s better to check in than to assume they’ll reach out on their own.

How to Reach Out and Respond

Starting the conversation can be the hardest part. A simple statement like, “Hey, I’ve noticed you haven’t seemed yourself lately, are you okay?” opens the door to conversation.

From there, focus on being present rather than fixing things. When having the conversation, remember to:

• Validate their feelings (“I can hear how difficult it is.”)

• Normalise the experience (It’s okay to feel that way.”)

• When you feel the urge to give a practical solution, first confirm if they want to vent or if they want a solution to their challenge (“Do you want to just talk about it right now or would you like me to offer some advice?”)

• Not make personal judgements. Even if you think the situation is an over-reaction or can be easily settled, do not make judgmental comments – instead focus on their feelings ("And how did you feel after that [situation]?"). Just because it isn’t important to you doesn’t mean it doesn’t mean the world to them

• Not make dismissive remarks or minimise their experience. Sometimes we unknowingly say dismissive things without meaning to, such as saying “you’ll be fine. It will work itself out.” Instead say, “That sounds really tough, I’m here for you.”

• Listen actively - you can show you are doing this by repeating back to them what you heard/understood and asking questions. This makes them feel acknowledged, understood and safe

• Use reassuring body language. Example, avoid closed body language such as crossed arms or legs. Instead maintain eye contact and/or nod with acknowledgement

• Focus on listening instead of thinking/worrying about what you should say next. It’s better to be fully present than to be assume your next move

Final Sentiments

Being an emotional support for a friend can be daunting but it doesn’t require much, it just requires you to be present. Nothing more, nothing less. You aren’t there to solve their problems, or to offer perfect words of advice; they just need you to be a friend with an open mind and an ear to lend. And don’t be disheartened if they won’t open up to you yet, they just might not be ready. Show them genuine care and patience, and remind them you are there for them if and when they need you.