Getting Real Series | Is This How I’ve Been Living? – Adult ADHD Unpacked

Before reading this article, I want to preface that this will be a more personal blog post that recounts my own experiences. Let’s call it Getting Real with Nicky.

If there is one thing that others know about me, it is that I am quite the nerd. I love to learn. I like to understand how the world works. In fact, I enjoyed school and I loved university even more. Not something you think you would hear from someone with ADHD, right?

I’m just as surprised as you are...as a matter of fact, what’s more surprising for everyone around me is that I was diagnosed with ADHD at all. I went through life doing relatively well at school and I was getting A and B’s in university. I even went as far as studying a Master’s Degree, with the thought of going on to a PhD. So you can imagine my surprise when I was diagnosed ADHD at the age of 28. Let me say that again, twenty-freaking-eight!

I am sure you might be wondering, well how the heck does that work? Surely, they’re wrong? Doesn’t ADHD mean you are hyperactive, jumping off the roof, hate school, constantly failing, needing to attend a remedial school?” Others might ask the more pressing question, “Isn’t that only for children?”

These are all the misconceptions around ADHD. And I am here to help you navigate some of these questions you might have.

1. First things first, what is ADHD?

ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects the brain’s executive functions. It is characterised by a person’s inability to regulate their attention – I use the word “regulate” intentionally.

This is because, a common misconception about ADHD is that those with it completely lack the ability to focus or give attention. However, this is not true. In fact, give someone with ADHD something they love, then trust me, they will hyper-focus for hours on it. Therefore, the issue is the inability to regulate that attention when it is needed. Why? Because when there is a deficiency of certain neurochemicals needed to help you focus, your body is not receiving the signals meant to tell you how to control your focus. It is for this reason that a common misconception about ADHD is that someone is just being "lazy".

It can also affect a person’s motivation, social skills, organisational skills, and impulse control.

2. Why was I only diagnosed at 28?

This is quite a multifaceted answer with a few layers.

Firstly, many people don’t realise that there are three types of ADHD: (1) Hyperactive-Impulsive type; (2) Inattentive type; (3) Combined type. The Hyperactive-Impulsive type is a lot more overt and more often seen in boys. As a result, it is much easier to observe the behaviour, and as such pin down a diagnosis. The Inattentive type, on the other hand is lot less visible because it is characterised by daydreaming, distractibility and forgetfulness. Which are less observable traits unless they impact a child’s school work or grades. It is more common in girls, which is why diagnosis is less predominant in girls, as it presents in a more covert manner. The combined type could have any number characteristics from both.

For me, I was the combined type with primarily more inattentive features. Thus it was not obvious that I was struggling with inattention because I was also very good at “masking”**; meaning I was able to make it seem like I was a diligent student, even though I was daydreaming the day away. I also was excellent at covering for myself when a question was directed at me from the teacher because once I was able to get the gist (basics) of the lesson, I could figure out the answer they were looking for. I also had other coping tools such as: listening to music to help me focus on my homework, as well as teaching others about the work we did in class to force me to read the textbook and do my own research. I was good at remembering information, so I didn’t study until the day before (in a panicked state of course), and I knew I performed far better when there was a deadline, which is why I did well in tests and exams - the timer on tests and exams was exactly what I needed to buckle-down.

What that all means is that I had the symptoms but I knew how to compensate for them. Resulting in me doing well in school and varsity. And so I was not flagged by anyone.

Another facet to this story is in the fact that research is more predominantly focused on boys and how ADHD presents in boys. Which is why there are a larger proportion of girls who are only diagnosed much later in life or following their own child’s diagnosis.

So in short – ADHD is not always easy to see if the symptoms are less observable and especially when you are female.

3. If I did so well, how did I know I had ADHD?

Well, I had noticed my inability to focus, my procrastination with homework and studying, my hyper-focus tendencies as well as my hyper-fixations. But I assumed they were just normal traits of a “lazy” person, as my parents would call me. However, in my Master’s year I was especially troubled by the fact that I had no motivation to continue studying and that trying to get motivated to do anything felt like dragging a child having a tantrum across the floor. I would get so angry at myself and use self-deprecating language about myself because I felt like a prisoner to my own mind. I knew from then something seemed weird considering no one else struggled the way I did to complete work. I mean, I started a 8000-word take-home exam the day before (we had more than a week to start).

Years went by and I started working. During those years I did well at work but I still had this nagging feeling something was wrong because of my low-moods (lack of energy), lack of motivation and consistent need for activities that had quick Dopamine releases like Social Media, gaming and TV. And one thing was for sure, MOTIVATION WAS MY GREATEST ENEMY.

So, one day I got a new social media app that I was following and somehow, I landed up seeing a lot of content related to ADHD. The more I watched the content, the more things started to click. But I knew this wasn’t reputable, so I started doing my own research and happened to come across an article called, “I’m Smart, So I Should Be Able to Overpower ADHD. Right?” (From Additude Magazine). And something told me to read it. After going through it, it felt like someone had written the story of my life. And that’s when I realised I needed to go get an evaluation. Which, led to my diagnosis at 28-years old.

A lot of people think that ADHD is for only children but in reality 60-70% of ADHD patients have ADHD until adulthood. They just don’t do as much research on Adult ADHD.

4. What happened when I was diagnosed?

When I was diagnosed, it was a strange relief. I thought I would be upset but instead I felt like someone freed me. Why? Because I had been my own worst enemy for so long – thinking I was lazy, worthless, undisciplined, depressed, unmotivated and a total failure for not having self-control. Learning more about my diagnosis made me ask myself one thing, “Is this how I’ve been living, all this time?” My entire life was made up of unconscious compensation, masking, forcing myself to fit in, and hiding of symptoms.

I started learning more about how I’ve been compensating and more about what I can do to help with my ADHD. I had a lot of work ahead of me because I had chosen to not medicate. But that meant I needed to focus on my health.

5. What does that mean for the parent of an ADHD child?

I think that there is one thing that parents with ADHD worry about when they first hear the diagnosis; they worry how ADHD will affect their child’s future. What I can confidently say is, having ADHD does not mean you cannot be successful – so for those moms and dads pulling their hair out; you can take a deep breath. Your child will eventually find their rhythm and figure out what they love; and when they do they will put every ounce of their spirit into it and will start to beat to their own drum…with the right support and guidance of course. How do I know? Because the ADHD community is bigger than you think, and I know because I work with people with ADHD, I have other family members with ADHD, and I also have friends with it too. And all of them are thriving.

Did you know, people with ADHD are more likely to start their own businesses?! So, have faith in the process.

With that said, it is also important to understand your child's rhythm and the kind of support they need to foster or build on their own strengths. Conforming to normative learning standards can be tricky, so be creative with the way you support your child's learning, educate yourself on how ADHD works, learn when is your child's best time to work as well as the kind of environment they work best in. It's a tough journey but it can be managed with effort and practice. Still feel stuck? Seek out guidance with the ADHD community or go to classes that are run by psychologists/counsellors on managing ADHD children.

6. What resources can I find to better understand ADHD?

Learning how to navigate and support yourself and others with ADHD is important. What if you:

• Have a colleague, manager or boss with ADHD?

• Have a family member or child with ADHD?

• Have a friend with ADHD?

• Have ADHD?

Here are some places you can learn more about ADHD:

• VIDEOS: YouTube channel: How to ADHD (easy to understand and quick videos) - https://www.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD

• ARTICLES: ADDitude Magazine (more technical but easy to read articles and has a quiz) - https://www.additudemag.com/

• PODCASTS: ADHD Rewired - https://www.adhdrewired.com/

• ACADEMIC: Google Scholar has fantastic peer-reviewed articles on ADHD

***

Look out for more Getting Real* blog posts in the future. Thank you for reading our very first post from the series.

*Getting Real is a blog series that discuss the very real and very personal experiences of the writers that share their stories.

** Masking is the process in which an individual camouflages/hides their natural personality or behavior to conform to social pressures or in order to be socially accepted.